My inner explorations. Embodiment

„I became drunk with the beauty and the singing rhythm of it, and for a moment I lost myself–actually lost my life. I was set free! I dissolved in the sea, became white sails and flying spray, became beauty and rhythm, became moonlight and the ship and the high dim-starred sky! I belonged without, past or future, within peace and unity and a wild joy, within something greater than my own life, or the life of Man, to Life itself! “  Eugene O’Neil

My Diary of the Journey

Making notions of experience

I am floating with a sound like a cosmic cell in a whole universe , there is comfort and inner joy in me. And silence floats throughout my body. I am cell, very little cell in a cosmic ocean. Laying now on a floor just making sound, looks like around me more sounds come and all the vision inside me is a dark sky full of stars.

06th October 2014

Finally I found myself as a sound and vibration which is life in me, Finally I am cosmic little cell and I really can feel it. I feel who am I and how I move.  And here is what I found, notions in my body:

Conscious life– is connectedness with all that is Divine.

Fontanelle – is that bowl full of nectar enriched with divine Water.

Belly Button– it’s a ball of fire, which connects everything that moves.

Spine – is that cerulean colour filled with air lightness always being present always  holding that is light.  Airy white-blue construction.  It is full of breath.

This is fullness – divine- this is what creates us and mind-body harmony in this whole infinity.

I feel vibration in me,how all humbles.

Now all those words connect in me: „balance with sound, light and vibration“  Now all words combine into “ Leave it as it is“

Now I am who I am and  inside I find being and action together. I found what is real Dzogchen way.

From  thinning out into density

I am thinned in being present and densified in action.  Feeling the space between cells and the air.

I am thinned out and densified again. As we can be as our cells,  shining  from inside cores and clearly entering to the fire of Earth. Now I am connected to words as my Master said “ I can travel to anywhere with my mind“ .

Heart is the essence. As if all axes entered into me. And here again I come with all power, again feeling vibration and hum as a bee. Born- but not yet, very soon it will come, very close coming to birth. Is is a memory in every cell of primordial state. Universe is full of beauty  and power.

I am thinned out again and densified – this is the power of pulsation. The power of pulsating life and everything in me is shaking from every densified point. It seems everything that I experience in life now connects into one- into presence.  All the essence comes to my body- recognition , vibration as if I am meshed with the Music of Universe and very soon I will start so sound.

Then I find myself embodied as two sacks – two sided cell floating in a womb.  I see myself as a father and mother inside. I am both. The whole.

6th December 2014

The discipline of Authentic movement

I am witnessing

The Divine creation in the light , now in my soul I recognise you, probably from earlier lives it comes. It’s beauty in my heart but I am humble to say, feeling uncomfortable to say. I am smiling but then again I am loosing myself , it’s a bit scary, a bit uncomfortable.  I feel this stagnation and this all movement is in me and this stagnation and movement is coming and going in me.  I witness, I sit and witness and mind disappears. This is just my presence with Divine presence. I witness static forms, I see static movements . After the mover  lay down unexpectedly I feel delight and something happens, some changes in the space.  I feel inside joy , I want to move too, At first all was a bit „Japanese“ style- everything little felt like this movement came from past.

I am moving

I am like a tree swinging in a wind. My hands are scanning the space. I feel my feet strongly touching the ground, everything is turning in me but doesn’t go out from inside.  I feel I want to say something , but there is a block in a throat as if words again fall back  to lower part of the body. I move something in my neck and all the body inside cracks- feeling joyful for this sound that something moves.  And so wonderful I am just witnessing how my body is , moves without judging.

Inner silence. Inner calmness, the warmth of my heart , cosiness and open float, feminine power, inner freedom, now I am in my own presence. I am observation itself.  Meeting the limitation and being in limitation.

Here I come to my inner notion:

Authentic Movement– inner vibration and inside discovery of following the  movement  raising from the source of the soul. It is when inner guided and guide connects together into body action.  This is movement from inner centre, central power, which floats through healthy inner energy and body following of that energy.

7th December 2014

Witnessing

I am already judging. I see hands empowered , subtile, slow, powerful , clear every movement and inner listening inside. (already made many judgements inside me)  As if powerful tree stands and unfolds branches. Between earth and sky. I see a lot of tension, but tension heals. The movement so beautifully listened to inner healing power. So slowly moving each time and powerfully listening to inner voice, inner impulses. This is how my mind works and sees and judges during process of witnessing. Then I write, then I am listening and my surprise- It is the same feeling as I experienced while witnessing movement. As if I was there as if I clearly know what the mover speaks.

Moving

I step into this empty space with closed eyes. My body moves as if in Tai Chi movement. I am swinging with my knees and hands feeling like primordial human with long arms, and bent legs. I feel myself old little woman she starts to breathe. Long inhale and exhale.  It’s here my witch old old witch my little grandmother- archetype in me – my inner old wisdom,,,here she is , I catch her outer form by making my body look old.  My old inner lady gets into light blue space, my mind starts to travel through all the space.

Fierce breathing , I am like a fierce being turning into a huge bird, I raise my hands and change the shape of the body. I fly…tension flies, anger flies. Then all collapse into the the presence of a little baby, my body falls into dark space. Like a fenix bird, there is no emotion, only breath change.  I am coming back to primordial beginning to my inner grandmother, again she is with me.

9th December 21014

Moving

My great day, Initiation to trance.

I step into empty space, moving legs, raising hands. I hear inside me the music, rhythm , rhythmic sounds become louder and more clear in me. All my body lifts and felling like I am in tension- something will happen, Something my body wants to tell. Exactly what do you want to tell me ? – I ask. There is another mover near me, I touch her hair and ear and start to feel cells, cell breathing. I lift up my hand from other movers ear and loose coordination in my feet, they lift up, lift up more and another feet,,,my body is like loosing gravity and ground. And hands lift up and all the legs lift up each one does something. Then I hear my legs tapping the floor. I her rhythm my feet does rhythm. I am becoming rhythm, My mind just watches all – my body becomes rhythmic.

I got scared I am in trance and cannot control the body and what is all happening in body. I could do more, but I am afraid to step on others. I see blue light in me, and then violet comes, I feel tribal dance, African dance, I see my body black. My mind was already surprised just watching body moves, body does music, body is there and mind is in trance. Something like alchemistry.  I just watch my body move so fast so disconected, so much movement inside body just mind is still, mind is silent, mind is with colours and surprised. I am shacking, everything in my body shacking.

Tribal dance, initiation to trance- I can call this. I was healing, healing body, healing myself.  I hear clapping arpund- I dart to sound I became sound- „haaaaaaa “ with big power, like the source to touch the space.  It was like a journey to tribe, to primordial state of my own cells.

And notions come in this moment to me:

Body has memory of past, body has memory of cells, body has memory that mind cannot unfold , as soon as body makes movement as mind recognises, then movement unfolds mind and memory turns into conscious material for mind to work on.

I was african, I was shaman, I was doing trance dance, I was there my body remembered it so suddenly.

I cannot check the truth to this, cannot be sure till the end, but there is something that changed in me after this movement.

There are Cells and there is space between cells- this space has memory of travelling to other worlds, to unconscious worlds that our mind don’t; recognise.

In mind there can be healing intention, in body evoking healing energy and energy does the healing itself without mind interfering. Healing can come unexpectedly to mind, to structure.

Mind can only make intention and then the true self and true nature unfolds what is necessary.

I didn’t go „crazy“, I was consciously watching body. And mind was witnessing. So I was separated from body and found my inner witness. The one that does not control the process. „I“ became into many pieces – I as a body, I as a mind, I as watching mind, I as watching body, I as witnessing all the process.

„I“call this dance- the dance of initiation, initiation to trance. Trance is a healing experience, a shamanic travel to spaces for healing body and soul, to find the spaces between cells where memories of experiences can be unfolded.

I found authentic movement mystical experience- I found where the notion „mystical“ can be used.

And words resonated in me : woman, womb, earth, power, one, memory, space.